(2010-06-25) When conflicts become permanent

There's an old saying here in Sweden (Although it may not be Swedish) that goes "Det inte ens fel när två träter". In English it goes something like "It's not one person's fault when two fights".

My hard learned lesson is that all conflicts calls for confrontation. If that does not happen, the conflict eventually gets frozen. It may be painful to go through talking with the person or persons involved in it whether or not you're a part of the conflict or not.

But failing to do so often ends in a perennial state of animosity between the parts. When you confront someone, both you and they will setup heavy defenses. The first reaction of someone that is accused of something is to find excuses, fling accusations back to the accuser or come with their own accusations. There's nothing wrong with that reaction in itself, since it's a very hard thing to go through. And they may actually be right, don't forget that! If the confronting party comes through as wanting a solution while showing no signs of stubborn pride or a condescending tone, there's hope of a good resolution.

The only non-solution is never to confront. So many horrible excuses exist for this. The most common is "It's not possible to argue with him/her/them". This is the biggest pile of bullshit taking the form of spoken word ever! Whoever says something like that does not dare to go through the confrontation, wants someone else to do it for them or stands to gain something from the conflict itself.

I am poor with confrontations myself, like most people. So these are words of wisdom to myself just as much as for others. But believe me, they are words of wisdom.


Tags: Psychology, ethics
Posted: 2010-06-25 by Erik Zalitis
Changed: 2010-06-25 by Erik Zalitis

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